Episode 171: What Is in the Light?
Ep.171 What is in the Light Welcome to Life Uninhibited. I'm your host, Kristen Messagee, Enneagram 6, life coach for Sixes. In today's episode, I wrap up this journey I've been doing about the shadow and shadow work with the other side of things. What do Sixes believe is their identity? What do we have in the light that we accept about ourselves, and how is that wonderful? And how can we soften these things a little bit to allow a more whole person experience? Okay. Enjoy. I had a great time recording this episode for you Hello sixes. Welcome. Okay, I've done three episodes on the idea of the shadow, shadow work, what kinds of things live in the shadow for sixes There's other things I've thought of since then that are important that might come out in this episode. So I wanted to do like a flip side, like what is in the light? What are the parts of identity that in general sixes like about themselves? Or also, and what are the parts of identity that sixes have determined are safe and familiar? Those are the things that we are willing to see. When we look at human beings, there are parts of ourselves that we are willing to see that we think are us, and there are parts of ourselves that we are blind to and that we would generally be in denial about or like defensive of if someone else told us that. Now, of course, we also know as humans, when we look at people, we can generally see their blind spots, and we know that people have blind spots. So this is just the other side of that coin and You know, my hope personally, how I try to live as a human and what I try to offer others, which isn't always what they want, so that's interesting, is that it is most beneficial to integrate our shadow parts into our conscious identity and live with it all.So that's why I'm talking about this so much. I don't see another way to really be... Le- let me say it this way, to really have an experience of internal safety and security if I can only accept certain parts of myself when for sure there are other parts. Just like when we look at other people and we're like, "Huh, if they could just see how they're getting in their own way this way, or if they could see blah, blah, blah." It's so obvious to us, and yet we can really struggle to see our own stuff, and that's just being a human. That's just literally being a human being. So the Enneagram is an excellent tool to show the whole picture. Like, "Hey, here's kinda who you think you are. Here's what's really going on. Here are some ways that you might be getting in your own way, right? That your life might not be working for you." It's a shortcut. It's a shortcut for very deep work and, in my opinion, it's shadow work. And I I'm constantly coming into contact with people who are not using the Enneagram that way, and that's fine. But honestly, I just... I, I'm getting more and more clear on My own personal usage of it and how I wanna teach it as I'm interacting with people who are doing very different things, and that's been interesting. It's been interesting. One of the side- sidebar, side topic, one of the huge benefits of doing the morning show, which is another podcast, there are thr- hmm, I still can't decide if it's good or not. There are three episodes I think are probably worth your time. We did a three-part series on the, uh, head, heart, and body centers. I think they are good episodes, and we have really been forging our way with each other through those episodes. We've had two that have not... We, well, two recordings that have not seen the light of day because we got into fights. It was hard and uncomfortable and frustrating, and we've all stayed in there and came back, which has been very interesting from a group, uh, group development dynamic. And I think that our content can only get better going through these cycles of, you know, group rupture and repair So, but my point here, that's just a little sidebar, um, point, point of note in doing something with a group of people. What I wanna-- What was my point, though? Oh, my own development of the way that I use this tool, the way I think about the tool has been deepening and deepening and, you know, new frameworks that I have for how I understand this tool and this work have been really coming to light. And that is interesting as a six because I'm in a space where I'm listening, learning, sharing, and pushing against, and this is really a way that sixes can find their actual selves. This is something I teach my clients to do. Like, we are externally oriented. How can we use that for ourself, right? How can we be aware that we often find ourselves by coming up against other ideas, other people, other things? What generally happens is that makes us all, like, dysregulated and disoriented because we want connection However, it can be of great value. Just be like, "Huh, I'm going to find myself somewhat..." Against isn't the right word. I'm gonna find myself using these external, uh, people, data points, systems. I'm gonna see how I feel against them, right? It's... Anyway, I hope... Anyway, I should do a whole episode on that. Do, do you love how in every episode I'm like, "I should do a separate episode on these 14 different topics that just flew into my head"? Anyway, okay. That sounds... That seems related. I'm gonna leave it in. All right. What do we sixes generally speaking carry in the light? Meaning what are the parts of identity that we are cool with that, and that we think are true about us? And please hear me. These-- I'm not saying these are not true. A lot of this is genuine. A lot of this is real. It's also not the whole picture, and that's where we get into some difficulty. But the I'm not gonna say these and say, "Oh, we're not that." We are these things and other things as well, which I may, just because it's part of my nature, uh, devil's advocate, point number three, to automatically see the other side of things. Okay. So Let's start with the loyal one. Okay, not all sixes. Again, I'm not gonna disclaim every time. Let me just say one more big blanket disclaimer. You may not identify with all of these. You will absolutely identify with some. If you identify with none, you know, maybe check your type, but you will, you will identify with some of them. Okay. The loyal one. So reliability is often how sixes kind of most identify, right? I'm reliable, I show up, I follow through, I remember details about your life. Like it's so funny to me. I hear people all the time, clients be like, "Oh, I can't believe you remember that." It's like, "Of course I remember that." Like there's a lot I don't remember. There's a lot in life I don't track, but the details of your life, that stuff is locked in. So loyalty can become this identity thing, right? Can become who we are, and that's great. It's a great quality. There is some stuff in our shadow where we can be extremely... Well, okay, we're not going to do that, Kristin. Stay. Just stay here. We can identify as extremely loyal. Yes. Okay. Well, this is hard for me to do. I do. I just wanna argue with things by nature. That's part of-- it's part-- Again, number three, the questioner, but we're not there yet. The responsible one. Okay. Uh, competence, particularly taking care of others, we think is incredibly important, a way to be, right? If we hold things together well enough, nothing bad will happen. So the real part here, right, is sixes generally are very conscientious and very capable in d- in different parts of life. We're not all capable in the same way, but we-- there is a strong capability, reliability. We generally are pretty responsible. So- That is true. That is real. And it can also be like a, uh, kind of performing for protection, right? A performing that is going to keep us and all of our people safe and that, you know, that we should. Like, the other thing about these parts of our identity that we identify with is they, they're not flexible. They can be really fixed. Okay, number three. Gosh, the one I cannot stop doing. The questioner or devil's advocate. Sixes are often... Oh man, this one just, it, it's literally stinging in my soul 'cause I'm like, "Yes, this is me." Sixes... Well, and it is. Again, these are true things. They're true things. They're just not the whole picture. We can be proud of our critical thinking, our ability to spot what's missing, poke holes , poke holes in plans, see around corners. This skepticism can become an identity. It's obviously a huge part of my personal identity. Like, I'm like red in the cheeks. I mean, it's literally what I-- it's what I do. It's who I am. This one is really interesting because it can feel like internal authority. However, this is happening in the mind. This is not a Deep knowing, questioning, hole poking, looking 10 steps ahead. Uh, also, I wanna say this is a great skill. This is a great skill It just can become an identity and it, and it can... You know, the shadow side of this is we can miss a lot of things, and what we're most missing is, "Here's what I think about that." By just poking holes is super different than, "Here's my take. Here's what I think is going on here. Here's what I would like to add to the situation." This is one of the reasons that we can struggle in relationships, is because we're so good at this, and we don't register what this is communicating to other people a lot of times. So I'm literally doing work on myself right now. I'm like, "Okay, Kristen, this is truly one of my greatest skills and assets, and I like it." What I also know to be true is when I'm doing this, I'm not in a state of listening. I'm not in a receiving posture because those things crack me open more to uncertainty, right? Questioning. Being the devil's advocate, it feels certain. That's one of the reasons we can like it so much, and it can become, "This is who I am." So as I'm talking myself through this in real time, it's like, this isn't who you are. This is just something you're really good at, and that's great. It's a skill. It's not who you are as a person. Okay. Okay, I'm glad I had that talk with myself. Hopefully, that's helpful to you. Next up, ugh, the team player. It's also really interesting that the questioner and the team player can live in the same person, right? It's, it's very interesting. Sometimes I can think that my role on the team is to be the questioner. Is that relatable to any of you? I mean, gosh, that... Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. We are generally, as, as we are taking on this role of a team player, we're highly attuned to group cohesion, which, hello, flip side, anything we think isn't cohesive in the group. We are the person who can notice when someone's being left out, when something's going sideways interpersonally. We can really value being needed by the group. That can become part of our self-concept and self-image, right? They need me. No one else is going to do it the way I do it. No one else is going to see what I see, and that may be true And again, that, that may be true. There's something in valuing what we bring that we're able to keep it flexible and open as opposed to it being, "This is who I am." Okay, I just have to say that I'm learning a lot doing this episode. Like, as I'm talking... Like, I wrote these ideas out, but as I'm hearing myself talk them through, I don't know, I'm learning a lot. Okay. I'm f- what I'm, what I'm experiencing as I talk through each of these ideas is the softening in myself of like, yeah, I can be that way. That's so cool, but maybe I don't have to be that way all the time. Maybe that isn't who I am, right? It's roles I can take on. It's things that I'm capable of doing. So I'm getting a sense of built capacity as I'm talking it through, but as a, a lightness. Like, I can hold these lightly, maybe. Maybe. Okay. The prepared one So I will say this isn't me, okay? This is the, one of the stereotypical six things. I think this has more to do with instincts. I-- This one is not... I do not relate to this, and it's, it's something I am sad about actually because I wish I had it more. Now, I will h- I have this emotionally. I'm very prepared for the emotional ups and downs of life, which is a huge asset of mine. But this is really talking about, like, the person who has a backup plan, right? The extra snacks. The mom... You know, I was always the mom at the park who was, like, running out of diaper wipes, right? But there's some mom there, and she's probably a six, who's got everything I need. She's got the wipes. She's got the whatever. Um, you know, I've talked to sixes who are like, "I don't go anywhere without ChapStick." Like, these are the things that you might need physically. Uh, I think this is just very self-preservation orientation, and I wish I had it. But many, many, many, many, many sixes, this is you, right? You're, you're prepared. You know what we're gonna need. You've already thought through if this happens, we'll do this. Like, preparedness as an identity is very, very sixy. But again, not all sixes. And some sixes will be like, "Well, I can't be a six if I'm not..." But y- of course you can. It's just different. So I could ask myself, "How do I identify that way?" And it's, it's an emotional preparedness, like I said. Okay, moving on. We have the truth teller. Oof. I feel significantly less of this these days. It does come up. It comes up when I am agitated. Okay. The truth teller. So many, many sixes will identify strongly with ideas like honesty, directness, calling things out. I mean, I will often say, "I'm just gonna call a spade a spade." Like, I know. Okay, I totally still do this. I was like, "Oh, I used to do that." No, I totally do this. This is often genuine, right? This can be real. Like, sometimes we need to, like, name a thing. That's true. That's true. Where it can go, whoops, a little tricky is it can be our mind's way of, like, externalizing vigilance. By which I mean, like, I'm the one who sees what's real, right? I'm the one who sees what's real. Uh, the way other people are doing it is not Right. And I will tell y'all about it. Yeah, that feels very truthy to me. So if I'm gonna soften that, it's I often do see things that other people don't see, and I can miss seeing valid ways that other people see. So that helps it feel less like an identity thing and more like a skill. Okay, a couple parts that tend to be in our conscious identity are They're, they're relational. I mean, sixes just are very relational, some more than others. But we do tend to think that we bring something into relationships. One, self-deprecating humor. I mean, generally sixes are very funny, and we're most funny when we are, you know, kind of mocking ourselves. Hello, my entire podcast.I find this to be delightful in others and a great strength, a great strength. It can be an automatic thing to cut tension, perceived tension, right? As we, as sixes, we can think we need to cut tension rather than let it exist or even increase it. So this is something we can bring. Again, it's a skill. It is a skill, and yet it can become an identity and something that just gets triggered any time there's tension. I, I, I really love self-deprecating humor. Couldn't pry it from my cold, dead hands. Um, another relational thing that we do is the helper protector. This is also, I think, a lot of sixes can mistype as twos because there is a very protector energy, and there is a lot of like, "Oh, I will do that for you," depending. Of course, it's just way-- Well, it's dependent for twos as well. Anyway, it's just a different energy, and it's got a different motive. But I always say I'm kind of like the mom friend. I certainly used to be more, uh, in my younger friendships, and I still can absolutely get that energy. It's, it's very-- It's something like, you know, I will go to the mat for people in my circle. There can be a real true fierceness. However, it also can keep our identity, right, organized around other people's safety rather than standing up for ourselves. You know, you, you often hear with sixes, "Oh yeah, I'll do whatever for someone else, but I won't do it for myself." And then we can expect other people to do it for us. There can be something of a quid pro quo in this whole helper protector thing. In fact, I think that happens a lot. But that other side tends to be in our shadow, right? We can't own it as much. Okay, so last sort of thoughts on this. I don't know if it's 'cause I'm doing this podcast in the morning, and I usually do it in the afternoon. I, I think I need to start recording in the morning 'cause this is just, this has just been great. I've had a great time talking through these things. Oh my gosh. All right. Podcast coming to you from eight AM, not four PM, from here on out. Okay. What is underneath all of this is a through line of identity built around usefulness, vigilance, relational safety, rather than intrinsic self-knowing that we are willing to bring to the table, right? So but let, but let's... Usefulness, great. Great. Let's all be useful to each other, seriously. Vigilance, great. I mean, let's be thoughtful. Let's be thoughtful about other people, how we're coming across. Like, that's, that's great. That's a wonderful quality. Uh, relational safety, yeah, yeah, we need that. Man, we need that. We need the sense of, like, are-- You know, am I okay? Are my relationships okay? It's just when it gets grippy, and this is who I am, that's when we lose some flexibility, some softness, some ability to see the ways that those very qualities can cause us some trouble, right? And we can see how when those are identity markers, they can be pretty locked in. And maybe we can also start to see how different that is than knowing who I am, what I'm about, what I bring to the table, what I'm willing to share. You know, it's a very different energy than identifying in how I take care of and am useful to other people. Yeah. The way we think of ourselves ten- tends to be as functional to others. I am what I do. I am how I show up. I'm who I protect, which is just very different from I am what I know myself to be from the inside. So that's why shadow work for us isn't usually about revealing something dark and scary, really. It's about revealing something more tender And letting these things that are our perceived identity shift maybe into, "Those are things I'm really great at. Those are things I can bring to the table, but it's not who I am." Right? The, the, everything I just talked about is a very earned identity. I am who I am because I earned that, which is not a real identity. I mean, I am who I am because I am who I am can feel very loosey-goosey for a six, but that's, that's the truth. That's more of the truth, right? So this is all about just being more whole, more truthy, more integrated And yeah, that's what this is all about, and that sense of I have... Because the other thing about seeing these pieces, I, I just-- I'm repeating myself, but I think it's worth saying. Seeing everything I just said as identity keeps us from owning those as really great qualities and characteristics to add to my life and my relationships. It's just not the whole of who we are. Like, I've got all that I can lean on, and there's, there's, gosh, this other stuff that just comes from me. Okay. That concludes our series that I didn't really know I was doing until it just... You know, whatever. That concludes our shadow work series of podcasts, even though it's all shadow work. Uh, okay, that's it. What a great way to start my day. I'll be back with you all next week All right. Thanks for listening. We are getting close to wrapping up the first round of Uninhibited. When I say close, we're like two months out, but in business time, that's very close. So if you are interested in a group coaching program for six as being a part of that, reach out to me and we can discuss if it might be a good fit for you. If you also are interested in some one-on-one coaching, I do have some availability this summer, so you can reach me at all the links below. I would love to meet you, talk about what you've got going on, see if the things that I have could be of value to you. All right, I'll be back soon
