Perfect. We'll keep using the same transcript cleanup format. Here's **Part 1** of Episode 176.
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# Episode 176: It Really Is All About Feelings
## Introduction
Welcome to *Life Uninhibited*. I'm your host, Kristin Messegee, Enneagram 6 and life coach for Sixes.
Today's episode is about feelings.
Based on the conversations I've been having lately, this feels especially relevant right now for a lot of us.
So I invite you to open yourself up to curiosity and possibility and simply notice what resonates with you as we walk through this together.
---
## A Quick Side Note
Hello, Sixes. Welcome.
I'm not actually sure if I've ever told you this—or if I've told you a million times because I think about it every week.
When I start the podcast and say, "Hello, welcome," it's honestly the hardest part of recording.
I hear myself say "welcome," and then suddenly it sounds weird in my head.
So I say it again.
Still weird.
Sometimes it takes me six tries just to say "welcome" without feeling like a complete nerd.
But...
I am a nerd.
So that's okay.
Speaking of being a nerd...
Do any of you listen to Amy Poehler's podcast, *Good Hang*?
It's such a great podcast.
It's such a nice break from all the heavy stuff.
She mostly interviews actors and comedians, and they just talk and laugh together.
Amy is such a wonderful host.
There is so much laughter.
And honestly, I really believe comedy and laughter are forms of healing, especially when they're done well.
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## The Enneagram Six Stereotype
Anyway, the reason I bring that up is because Mindy Kaling was a guest recently, and they started talking about the Enneagram.
Actually, they talk about the Enneagram fairly often.
Amy thinks she's an Eight, which I find hilarious.
But Mindy started talking about her Enneagram type and basically said something like,
"I have the most loser Enneagram number."
The second she said that, I knew exactly what she was going to say.
Sure enough...
"Type Six."
It made me laugh really hard.
But it also made me think...
Why is the stereotype about Sixes so pervasive?
I don't know.
I have thoughts.
I'm sure you have thoughts too.
It's certainly nothing we need to take to heart.
I've been in so many conversations lately about the stereotypes surrounding Sixes.
Personally, I think they're kind of funny.
I know a lot of people get really hurt by them.
I also know they keep a lot of people from ever landing on Type Six because they simply don't want to be a Six.
It's fascinating.
When I look around the Enneagram, there are probably several numbers I wouldn't necessarily choose to be either.
I'm not going to say which ones.
I don't want to start that conversation.
But honestly?
I'm pretty happy to be a Six.
Anyway...
I could probably do an entire episode on that.
So send me your questions.
Send me your frustrations.
Tell me what you'd like to hear about.
We can absolutely have that conversation sometime.
---
## Today's Topic
It's actually somewhat related to today's topic.
I'm going to keep this episode fairly focused around something I've said many, many, many times over the years.
But I don't think I've ever said it this directly.
And I certainly haven't dedicated an entire episode to it.
It's really important.
Really important.
It has to do with feelings.
And there are really two parts to what I want to share today.
The first is this:
**We, as individual human beings, create our own emotional experience.**
Our brains create emotions inside our own bodies.
Here's what I mean.
Our brains are constantly reading the physical sensations happening in our bodies.
Then they make predictions about what those sensations mean based on everything that's happened to us in the past.
So if I'm going through my day and suddenly notice sweaty palms...
An upset stomach...
Maybe my mind starts racing...
My brain interprets those physical sensations and says,
"Oh."
"We're nervous."
"We're worried."
But those exact same physical sensations could just as easily be interpreted as excitement.
Excitement doesn't necessarily feel pleasant in the body either.
The physical sensations are remarkably similar.
It's simply that our brain has assigned a different meaning to them.
---
## How Emotions Are Made
One of my favorite people to learn from on this topic is Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett.
She wrote a book called *How Emotions Are Made.*
You can also find her on YouTube and podcasts.
Her work is fascinating.
She explains how emotions are constructed inside the body and how understanding that process can actually give us more influence over the meanings our brains assign to our physical experiences.
For Sixes, I actually think the meaning we assign to emotions is even more important than the emotions themselves.
She also makes a distinction between feelings and emotions.
I'm not going to go down that rabbit trail today because it's probably too deep for this episode.
My brain wants to.
But no.
Not today.
Still, I highly recommend her work because understanding how emotions are created is incredibly valuable.
One of the most important things we can understand is this:
**We create our emotional experience.**
Our emotions are not created outside of us.
Now maybe you're listening and thinking,
"Kristin... I already know that."
But here's what I actually mean.
Most of us believe that what happens outside of us creates what happens inside of us.
Someone says something.
Someone does something.
Something happens over here...
Or over there...
And we believe that's what creates our emotional experience.
But that's not actually how it works.
One of the beautiful things about the Enneagram is that it reveals this to us.
Our personality type is the lens through which we interpret external circumstances.
And we know that lens is different for every type.
In fact, it's even different within each type.
Not every Six experiences the exact same situation in the exact same way.
I've coached enough Sixes to know that's absolutely true.
The things that trigger one person don't necessarily trigger another.
There are so many factors involved.
But the point remains the same:
**We are creating our own emotional experience.**
---
# We Believe Feelings Mean Something Is Wrong
The challenge with learning that we create our own emotions is that it can be difficult to accept.
Why?
Because most of us carry a set of beliefs about emotions.
We believe there are certain emotions we should feel.
And there are certain emotions we shouldn't.
We believe that if we're feeling the "good" emotions, then everything is okay.
And if we're feeling the "bad" emotions, then there's a problem that needs to be fixed.
Who created the problem?
What caused the problem?
How do I fix the problem?
Our emotions themselves become the problem we're trying to solve.
I truly believe one of the most powerful things we can understand is that we create our own emotions.
That understanding requires us to loosen our beliefs about which emotions are acceptable to experience.
There are a lot of emotions we're simply not interested in having.
The most obvious one for Sixes is fear.
The Enneagram teaches us that we have all kinds of mechanisms in place to avoid feeling fear.
Our nervous system believes fear is a no-go.
It believes we can't handle it.
But that's not actually true.
It's simply very helpful to recognize that this is how our system operates.
Then we take it one step further.
Not only do we try to avoid fear, but we also believe any fear we're feeling was created by something outside of us.
And that's not how it works.
---
# "Why Would I Do This to Myself?"
Whenever I talk about this, defenses naturally come up.
People often think,
"If I really created my own emotions, then why wouldn't I just create good ones?"
I remember wrestling with this idea for the very first time.
I'm sure I've told this story before.
I've definitely shared it with every coaching group I've ever led.
I was really trying to understand this concept:
"I create my own emotions."
It's actually a very empowering idea.
One day my husband said something.
I can still picture exactly where we were standing.
I remember opening the refrigerator door.
He said something, and immediately I was flooded with what I would have called a negative emotion.
But because I was working so intentionally with this concept, I remember thinking,
"Wait..."
"Why would I create this feeling?"
"This feels terrible."
"I would never do this to myself."
I was genuinely confused.
I remember another situation around that same period.
I felt trapped.
I felt like I had to do something I didn't want to do.
I felt like I was being taken advantage of.
I just felt awful.
And I wanted so badly to blame the external person.
I wanted to believe they were doing this to me.
I couldn't understand how I could possibly be creating my own internal experience.
Why would I do that?
If they would simply stop doing what they're doing...
Then I wouldn't feel this way.
---
# The Difference Between Circumstances and Meaning
Now...
There is some truth there.
Of course we're responding to external circumstances.
That's real.
If we lived inside some perfectly controlled bubble, maybe we wouldn't experience certain emotions as often.
Although honestly...
Even as I say that, I realize I'd probably find something else to be upset about.
Maybe I'd get lonely.
Maybe I'd want more excitement.
There is no version of life where we experience only pleasant emotions.
That's just not how being human works.
Yes, we respond to external events.
But what we make those events mean...
What our whole system does with them...
That belongs to us.
And when we begin owning that...
A tremendous amount becomes available.
When we believe our emotions are entirely caused by external people, places, and circumstances...
We're stuck.
Because then our peace depends on everyone else changing.
If what I feel is created by the outside world...
What hope do I have of ever experiencing peace...
Calm...
Joy...
Or contentment?
Especially because life keeps happening.
Again, this brings us back to another important belief:
We think negative emotions are problems to solve.
What if that's simply not true?
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# Trying to Change the Outside World
One thing I really struggled with was this question:
"Why would I create painful emotions?"
That question stayed with me for a long time.
And underneath it was another belief:
"If things outside of me were different, then I'd finally feel the way I want to feel."
I hear this all the time.
We try to solve an internal experience by changing external circumstances.
It simply doesn't work that way.
Now listen...
If you can change a circumstance, great.
Go for it.
I'm never suggesting we stay in unhealthy situations if we have the ability to change them.
But Sixes rarely respond by confidently changing the circumstance themselves.
Instead, we tend to want other people...
Other situations...
Other systems...
To change first.
Then we'll feel better.
I think we can probably be honest about that by now.
---
# The Courage Sixes Actually Need
What Sixes really need is courage.
But maybe not the kind of courage people usually imagine.
It's not dragon-slaying courage.
It's the courage to come inside ourselves.
It's the courage to sit with ourselves in an accepting...
Caring...
Compassionate...
Loving way.
That is incredibly courageous work.
It's being willing to say,
"Okay..."
"I'm feeling terrible."
"Let me get curious."
"Why?"
"What am I making this situation mean?"
"What meaning am I assigning to what that person just said or did?"
"What is my nervous system doing with this?"
Sometimes the emotion comes first.
Then our brain builds an entire story around it.
Maybe I suddenly feel anxious.
Then my brain quickly creates a narrative explaining why I'm anxious.
If I quiet that story...
Another one often appears.
Our minds are very good at creating stories.
Sometimes we're responding to something external.
Sometimes we're responding to something our own mind has generated.
Sometimes the feeling comes first.
Sometimes the thoughts come first.
It's rarely as simple as "thoughts create feelings" or "feelings create thoughts."
They're constantly influencing each other.
We're complicated human beings.
This process is happening all the time.
But until we're willing to take ownership of our emotional lives...
There's only so much change that's available to us.
That ownership is a huge part of the work itself.
Some people grasp this concept fairly quickly.
Others spend much longer here.
Either way, it's foundational work.
"I Can't Handle This"
A lot of this work comes back to one unconscious belief that many Sixes carry.
"I can't handle this."
That thought shows up in all kinds of different ways.
Sometimes it's obvious.
Sometimes it's hidden underneath anxiety or problem-solving.
But often, when we're experiencing a difficult emotion, what's actually happening underneath is this:
"I can't handle feeling this."
Not the circumstance.
The emotion.
That unconscious belief sits underneath so much of what we struggle with.
And I actually think there's another belief that's even more impactful.
It's the belief that positive emotions mean things are going well...
...and negative emotions mean something is wrong.
That equation simply isn't true.
And it's incredibly limiting.
Life is hard.
There are situations in life that naturally create sadness.
Fear.
Grief.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
If we believe every uncomfortable emotion needs to be fixed, then we immediately move into problem-solving mode instead of self-compassion.
We move into blame.
We move into trying to figure out what's wrong.
We move into trying to eliminate the feeling.
That keeps so much kindness...
So much gentleness...
So much compassion...
Off the table.
When we're constantly trying to fix our emotions, we lose the ability to simply care for ourselves while we're experiencing them.
Learning to Navigate Our Emotional Lives
Learning to handle...
Manage...
And navigate our own emotions will absolutely change your life.
The reason it changes your life is because it gives you access to choice.
Choice over your behavior.
Choice over the meaning you assign to situations.
Choice over the stories you continue believing.
We don't have to automatically accept the first story our brain offers us.
That's really important.
Our brains are incredible story-generating machines.
That doesn't mean every story is true.
A Personal Example
I'll tell you one quick story before I wrap this up.
I'm getting over a really obnoxious summer virus, and I have this little tickle in my throat, so I need to finish before I completely lose my voice.
Recently, my husband and I had an interaction about our son.
I immediately had a big emotional reaction.
And right behind that emotion came a story.
The story sounded something like:
"He's not listening to me."
"He's not supporting me."
"He doesn't understand."
You know...
All the usual blah, blah, blah.
Fortunately, this isn't my first day doing this work.
My husband and my son left the house, and after a little while my brain offered me a completely different thought.
It said,
"You know..."
"I bet that's not what happened at all."
"I actually bet he was trying to support me."
Suddenly, I became incredibly curious.
I wasn't interested in proving myself right anymore.
I genuinely wanted to know what had happened.
So when my husband came home, I said,
"I need to know what was going on for you."
"When you said that... what were you actually trying to communicate?"
Then I asked,
"Were you trying to support me?"
And he said,
"Yes."
"I was trying to..."
The details aren't really important.
What matters is this:
He was doing almost the exact opposite of what I thought he was doing.
I had interpreted his words as dismissive.
In reality...
He was trying to communicate support.
He was trying to help our son understand me better.
He was taking me into account.
Completely.
If I hadn't done this work...
That interaction probably would have become a huge fight.
We both would have walked away feeling misunderstood.
Feeling unseen.
Feeling hurt.
Instead...
Curiosity interrupted the automatic story.
Final Thoughts
That's the kind of work I'm talking about.
I hope some of these ideas give you something to think about.
I'd genuinely love to hear what comes up for you.
Learning how to navigate our emotional lives is a huge...
Huge...
Huge part of our work as Sixes.
Okay.
That's all for today.
I'll be back next week.
Closing
Thank you so much for listening.
Honestly, if I could control people's brains—which, thankfully, I can't—this is probably the concept I would spend the most time trying to plant.
This idea really is life-changing.
Not easy.
But life-changing.
If this way of thinking feels compelling to you...
If it sparks curiosity...
Reach out.
I'd love to talk with you about whether one-on-one coaching or my next coaching community might be a good fit.
This is exactly the kind of work we do together.
All right.
I'll be back next week.